Oh, boy, was I wrong.

Quick rewind: I quit Newgrounds because I got frustrated with music (and my life and everything else). Without music (my favourite distraction/passion) - I filled the gap with Twitch, got figurative cancer and quit that after a month.
I was lost. Been lost my whole life (cue sad violin) but this was special. It actually took some serious discipline to sever every single distraction (hey, I even quit smoking for those two weeks!). Feeling as if I were in a solitary cell I finally got to know what I'm really like. Never actually took the time to sit by myself and reintroduce me to .....me. Seems funny, eh?

I am a failure, I am a waste of space, I am a mistake, I am worthless.

Shit happens, paths converge or split, people change, life happens in the meantime - all the small choices(especially the ones you didn't make actively) and experiences eventually add up. Same thing happened to me. I have become "someone else". Just like aging, one wrinkle at the time.

I am only getting worse, I am never going to achieve anything, I am a hopeless case.

So, I was digging through my journal, diving into my "memory box" (boxES, actually), logging into some sinister alt accounts (suicideproject for example) and figuring out who I was. In the meantime, I said "fuck it" and cannonballed myself into the job market as white trash. Turns out - I'm actually not that bad at interviewing, jobbing and adulting. Hopping from one to another sans arrêt, I actually landed somewhere decent. Unbelievable, right? 

I am useless, I am irresponsible, I am a shitbag, I am selfish, I am a sociopath, I am spoiled, I am a parasite.

Time became scarce. Scarcity adds more value. My day-to-day became cleaner with less clutter. I actually started doing "priority" stuff, the stuff that matters to me. I love cooking so I cooked and baked. I "figured out" I actually love music (again) and worked on it. I picked up songwriting even! I found myself planning activities that would make me happy. I started treating myself as a person which is weird. To me, at least.

Life without others is purposeless. All the time and energy I have while on this earth is reserved for others. I am an empty vessel. I am a pawn. I am an instrument. I am a tool.

There I am. I have a job I actually like. I can support myself. I am content in my own skin, I am tranquil in my own skull and pretty warm in my heart (pretty neat string, huh?) -  I've never really thought I'd ever get there.
"Hi, new me! You're pretty cool and you deserve to be happy! I want you to be happy! All the difficult choices you made aside (and regrets and .... everything) - I'm glad you're still here, alive and kicking. I really am."

And nope. That's what they said. Here's my impression of me:
I am compassionate. I am positive. I am energetic. I am worthy. I make others smile genuinely. I accept and admit my flaws and my faults and my mistakes. I am improving. I love sharing love. I am agape. I know what's right and I'm not succumbing to pressure anymore. I am alone by choice. I am carefully picking whom I'll bring into my life. I am honest. I am loyal. I am reliable. I think I'm a boring, not-interesting (adjectives are much goodly, so are dictionaries and thesauri) person. I think I'm somewhat egocentric. I think I'm a little too anxious and scarred. I fear I'll never find anyone who'll be able to know the whole me, thus I sometimes feel like a retired college hooker. The shame is pretty real. If I'm not a part of the hook-up culture, am I a failure? A prude? A "hopeless romantic"? Is there anything else that people my age can (realistically) give to another - other than just sex? I tried really hard to become (emotionally) independent. But...I can't keep myself from asking: "Am I missing something? Or, precisely, someone... in my life?". My beliefs, my opinions and my experiences shaped me into who I am - are they so alien, so different, so strange, so intense that there could be a decent chance of me being a "special snowflake" and not being able to connect with a significant other, ever?

So. This is a typical twentysomething year old kind of thing to do. Nothing original, but it matters to me - why did you read it, anyway? You can tell me, I won't bite :)

(this might become a regular thing as a freewriting exercise, I don't need critique, I just need to share, if something made an impact on you or really stood out, point it out in the comments below. I repeat: I don't want critique.)